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  • Beauvoir – Heart-Strutter.org
    26 27 28 29 30 31 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Beauvoir Simone de Beauvoir was a French writer and existentialist philosopher I think the most grand title in this world is that of philosopher A bonafide thinker of thoughts A deceptively simple thing but I think the difficulty lies in being able to properly express thoughts in a coherent manner I am awfully greedy I want everything from life I want to be a woman and to be a man to have many friends and to have loneliness to work much and write good books to travel and enjoy myself to be selfish and to be unselfish You see it is difficult to get all which I want And then when I do not succeed I get mad with anger I am too intelligent too demanding and too resourceful for anyone to be able to take charge of me entirely No one knows me or loves me completely I have only myself I can deeply relate to both of these quotes Anger is my pervading emotion due in large part to all my conflicting desires that ultimately leads to something akin to want ing everything and all at once This is a phrase I have used multiple times in my writing I think desiring is okay given it is sufficient fuel for moving forward But many times it is closer to debilitating this desire for

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/10/01/25823/beauvoir/ (2016-04-26)
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  • “I Think It’s Going To Rain Today.” – Heart-Strutter.org
    m not sure how to explain the past two weeks I feel like I am subsisting on a plane not fully connected to reality The days are blurring together through an incoherent string of events I can t seem to remember when any given moment ends or begins Everything is seemingly unconnected but as a result of a previous cause I resigned from my job two weeks ago a week after returning from my meditation retreat Honestly I know this puts me in a bad way for a little while but its in my best interest for the long term But this in between state of no routine is really strenuous And every evening I commit to creating a routine for myself but then just the hours slip and I have accomplished a great deal of things somehow But it doesn t feel like accomplishment I think I should be joyous that I finally have the time to read watch all the things on the list visit the coffee shops and yet the only thing I want is to work Work is my all defining life purpose There just cannot be any enjoyment when all the time is supposed to be enjoyable And naturally there are emotional and physical struggles permeating this weird existence of mine I ve managed to contract a full time lover of sorts Which doesn t help either of us But I suppose it passes the time And it ensures that I don t get lost in my mind during this weird transitional phase Because I feel like given the lack of his presence I would potentially be under the influence of sleeping pills for as many hours as possible Despite my weightlessness and this floating feeling of nothing makes sense I am quite grounded in

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/10/17/25828/i-think-its-going-to-rain-today/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Chemical Fires – Heart-Strutter.org
    Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Chemical Fires Under such disappointing times we distract ourselves Showing off our petty chemical fires They glow so wrong So you follow your dreams or at least the dreams you ve settled for But if you followed your dreams I want the answer I want the cure for dying alone I thought that I was meant to be a hero Now they ll all see how much I ve grown Sing loud and scream and yell and raise your fists and cause an avalanche If you squeeze him hard enough God might show the way Or if you d just grow up You d see that there s little in this world worth screaming for So fall in love and lie down My desk arrived yesterday It s super French super classic It s almost ruined by the modernity of my computer but never mind that I feel as though now I don t ever have to leave my bedroom except to eat and make tea I ve been suddenly working on making my bedroom a sanctuary Quite convenient since now I m just at home most of the day I still try to go out but I know that will dwindle when my funds give out from under me Let s focus on what I have been doing successfully I m one week away from six months vegetarian Though I still can t figure out for the life of my why I am except that it s healthier Sort of I ve been nomzing on Hot Cheetos as of late Stress relief Nah Just the tasteeeee Though I

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/10/24/25830/chemical-fires/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Refiguring Out My Life – Heart-Strutter.org
    Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Refiguring Out My Life So I have a second job now That starts an hour after I m done at the office And it takes about 15 minutes to get there to downtown LA from the office Meaning I have about 30 or so minutes in between which isn t a lot of down time or prep time For example I could never go home and grab something run an errand after work So meaning ALL my day s PREP needs to be done at 4am before I leave my home such as packing healthy lunch dinner or bringing along any potential outfit changes exercise gear etc For now I ll be working EVERY DAY after work until the 16th basically to speed up my training because the manager and the other girl working there are going to merchandise the New York store MEANING from the 11th to the 16th I ll be doing the whole shebang myself well they also hired one other part timer yesterday too and he s chill but I don t think I d safely be able to rely on him for closing paperwork Lulz So now I have to figure out how to fit MY priorities into this new time table of waking up at 4am working almost non stop from 6am to 7 30pm and still 1 eating healthy 2 exercising and 3 watching films and 4 reading and 5 hanging out with friends family and lastly 6 maintaining cleanliness and sanity in my home YEAH Wow what a challenge I m stoked Lmaooooo Actually I really am even though this is going to be extremely hard But I think I can manage if and only if I micromanage my systems I just have to know if I feel comfortable running at 4am in the morning I can do 3 5 miles in 35 minutes no big deal But waking up is going to be a pain in the ass so I think if I do this only a few times a week I will be okay which would still leave PLENTY of time to get ready and I may even be way more wide awake Then of course as I get ready I like to listen to a podcast or TED talk just so I can not feel like a working robot still learning something new etc Obviously I mean I need to fulfill my quotient of interesting information or my brain melts and my anxiety rises and then I feel like crap Then it s news from NPR on the drive to work Now here s where I have to figure out how in the world I am going to prep and cook ahead It s totally a thing I started yesterday by making my big batch of oatmeal in my rice cooker last night And then made some delicious other things like

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/09/05/25807/refiguring-out-my-life/ (2016-04-26)
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  • “All the settings and the scenes that signal suffering” – Heart-Strutter.org
    night after I got home from 2nd work and I hosted meaning I couldn t leave early blargh I felt really distracted and tired and after such a long day I just wanted to shut off my brain and not see any people and just be in bed watching something on TV or playing a mindless game on the iPad or anything really that would not involve other people I finally went back to church today It brought back really painful memories the association of bothering my favorite before and after service via text I didn t really know I had that association But I ve spent almost all day lamenting and feeling sort of weird That s the thing I hate people most of the time I rather be alone I know how to keep entertained for the most part Except for wanting to be in the company of the fave And that s not ever going to happen so I mean I have to resort back to solitude the preferred state But solitude is only my preferred state on the condition that I have my favorite person close at hand And since that s not the case then well just alone has to suffice I actually had a lengthy conversation with a stranger the other day about how he thought I should have a partner to share my life s happiness and sadness and everything with and I vehemently denied requiring any such thing Which is true with the exception of the one exception Ugh Talking about relationships and this topic confuses my brain because I don t understand how I can want and not want What I do want is to go into the swimming pool because it seems like a good idea but then once you re there there s nothing to do in the water alone So instead I look out onto the glistening water from my kitchen window longing pretending it s something I don t want Maybe some things just look better from a distance And once you re there it s not quite the same I don t know if that s an argument for finding someone to swim in the water with me or an argument saying that my solitude is a sham or well I don t know One of my coworkers quit on Friday A salesman He announced it on Tuesday and since then I ve been dreaming of getting his position Which has created all kinds of fear in me And the sadness of knowing that I probably won t be offered his position because the company needs someone in my position So instead fuck everyone else and I ll do what I have to do to get my priorities taken care of 400 month student loan bill more rent now I m in a condo an expensive lifestyle of going out to eat traveling etc But anyway yeah it s been hard dreaming every night of what

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/09/07/25809/all-the-settings-and-the-scenes-that-signal-suffering/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Waking Up – Heart-Strutter.org
    Favorite Quotes Movies Night Diving Ryan s 101 goals in 1001 days Search for Subscribe to Blog via Email Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email Email Address Random Posts A Feel Good Saturday Cheer Up Emo Kid you failed to feel delight Strong Intent On Dropping Me Back Down April Goal September 2014 S M T W T F S Aug Oct 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Waking Up And certain truths about the nature of our minds are well worth knowing For instance the anger you felt yesterday or a year ago isn t here anymore and if it arises in the next moment based on your thinking about the past it will quickly pass away when you are no longer thinking about it This is a profoundly important truth about the mind and it can be absolutely liberating to understand it deeply If you do understand it deeply that is if you are able to pay clear attention to the arising and passing away of anger rather than merely think about why you have every right to be angry it becomes impossible to stay angry for more than a few moments at a

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/09/08/25812/waking-up/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrn Out – Heart-Strutter.org
    in Ieri Oggi Domani Taking A Few Steps Back Before Moving Forward Again September 2014 S M T W T F S Aug Oct 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Burrrrrrrrrrrrrrn Out I m burnt out From the office job Like I just can t keep doing this paperwork And with every passing day there s more paperwork and I m the only one that does all the paperwork on the sales side THE ONLY ONE And I m tired Exhausted OVERDUE by SEVERAL MONTHS for my vacation but I couldn t take it any earlier because of cherry season Things aren t getting easier in the office they re getting harder And I ve hit my max tipping point So this was probably the worst time to get a 2nd job but it is what it is and I have to learn to handle And it s weird because as soon as the office is over I have to switch my brain into linen textile mode And then I m still getting texts and calls from the office while I m there And then I sleep and I have linen on the brain but it s like I have to start thinking produce It s a

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/09/09/25814/burrrrrrrrrrrrrrn-out/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Expending – Heart-Strutter.org
    Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Expending I am just barely awake right now I feel inexplicably unrested and exhausted Yet it s a Monday I m at work and that means a lot a lot a lot to do Most of which I ve already powered through but then there is of course the 2nd job in the evening And then tomorrow the same deal except that tomorrow I have to pack for my 10 day vacation I started laundry yesterday morning and left it in the dryer But at least I did all the dishes half by hand and the bulk in the dishwasher I also left those inside the dishwasher Everything feels like half baked right now There are just too many things to do and hardly enough time Yesterday evening my friend came over to see my place for the first time By the time he came over I was about halfway through a bottle of wine forreal So I was definitely rather tipsy I managed to entertain him with my home cooked leftovers which he super complimented bless his heart Then he listened to my super sexy talk on financials career stressors and just basically nothing really all that interesting But he was into it And then he proceeded to compliment my watch obviously he s super smooth ok and he was delicately touching my wrist and it felt really nice But I mean it was just my wrist I have not had any human contact in a very long while it would seem that something so small

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/09/15/25817/expending/ (2016-04-26)
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