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  • Deprivation. – Heart-Strutter.org
    I seriously feel like slapping myself right now I feel incredibly sleepy this morning There s this strange feeling that it s hard to breathe and my eyes feel so very heavy and the only comforting thought is a nice warm heavy blanket atop my curled up body on my bed I seriously wish I could feel the length of time I slept as in experienced sleep in real time Sleep to me feels like a short duration of dreaming and then suddenly waking up It s too quick it happens in the blink of an eye and when I wake up hours have gone by but I don t feel as though I rested for as many hours as I did and I don t know if sleeping more would help because I m not sure I would feel the additional hours anyway Coffee mostly acts as an eye speculum for me and a nauseating feeling sort of washes over me at the thought of forced awakening like that It s torturous right If you should like to feel that same wave of nausea feel free to google eye speculum I don t understand how and why I am always sleepy The moment I head home I try to throw in an errand or two so I can feel a little accomplishment but lately by 5pm I literally just cannot stay awake a moment longer I hit the bed and out like a light And then I ll exercise and by my bedtime I m not as sleepy so then I m fucking around on my phone or trying to catch a few minutes of late night TV a rarity for me and then I wake up late to make up for the missed time and then I get

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/07/17/25749/deprivation/ (2016-04-26)
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  • RESTLESS. – Heart-Strutter.org
    Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal RESTLESS From the archives of the unpublished A post from 08 May 2011 I worked at the office in 2011 Boy some things never change It s like I could have written this very post TODAY and yet my feelings have not changed not even a little bit I have 32 drafts left to go Maybe little by little the things most personal to me that I felt I could not publish in the moment will slowly be released from the darkness I ve been feeling so restless as of late And bored I definitely don t get bored easily So I m just not sure how to react or what to do to stop feeling this Basically every single day needs to be full of plans And that s not practical I think doing things every single day is a cover for the emotional turmoil I feel about work OH WORK UGH The job itself is whatever to me I don t care that I m there 10 hours a day First one in last one out That s fine it s part of the job Except I don t feel I m getting paid on par with the job description I didn t go to college to earn LESS than my boss housekeeper Fuck man that sort of thing infuriates me I feel worn out going to work knowing that I m working so hard and yet I can only barely make ends meet What the hell you know That s not okay UGHHHGHHAHGAL I don t even feel like talking about it anymore I don t feel like thinking about it

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/07/20/1822/restless/ (2016-04-26)
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  • The Classic Lady. – Heart-Strutter.org
    Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal The Classic Lady I have wanted to write a great deal of things today in a non linear non story incohesive format every time I ve had a thought that I felt I wanted out of my brain and into something I could re read and see it for what it is Before anyone came into the office I was crying to myself at my desk while I was doing my morning paperwork It was pretty pathetic and sad and I wasn t sure if I would be able to make it through the day But I did mostly in part because the boss didn t come in and all but two co workers left the office for the majority of the day to go look at some cherries But all the whining and pathetic ness aside I ve been regularly attending barre classes and I love it I feel like even when I really don t want to go I push myself and come out feeling renewed and full of energy I didn t have just before Mostly I have to really push myself on days when I nap and napping feels like the best thing in life and my brain is still a fog but I get dressed for class and RUSH through the literally 30 minute drive to the studio and though it s super stressful to rush whilst in a daze AT THE BARRE it all melts away Or maybe that s the sweat talking My patio furniture arrived today

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/07/22/25759/the-classic-lady/ (2016-04-26)
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  • In Search of the Object. – Heart-Strutter.org
    similar ideas in very different styles and yet both also coincidentally contain multiple narratives stories within stories within stories Paul Auster blends the combined narratives in such a beautiful way that I feel compelled to know what comes next Italo Calvino delves one level deeper and so far it s a 3 level story that it s hard to know what should be considered the main narrative This week has been incredibly busy in all the ways Cherries are dwindling thanks to the weather conditions in Washington and I think everyone in the office cannot wait to wrap up the season This week I attended barre class 3x went jogging 2x went to the movie theater made a flash trip to Santa Barbara bonded with my co workers over sushi got a 90 minute massage got a flat tire and infinitely more minutiae This morning I experimentally went after a potential object of affection only to find that by today I just no longer cared How can I find an object of affection to wholly represent my emotions if I haven t any emotions This morning just as last week he was still ridiculously cute polite muscular tall with just the most gorgeous eyes and yet I felt nothing The excitement I felt last week was perhaps just excitement of being in Hollywood surrounded by nice people on an equally nice day Today I felt well to be honest the whole week I have felt extremely depressed So everything felt muted devoid of color and today is rather gloomy to boot His smile was nice but then I found him reminding me of one of my friends and then I sort of eh When breakfast was over I felt myself not wanting to leave the moment I didn t want the moment to end because I felt there was more to be gotten out of the moment But instead I left as empty as when I arrived Maybe even literally because I hardly ate It rained for a few minutes but it s still about 90 degrees outside and somewhat humid Today doesn t feel like a good day I wanted so much more out of my day but it s already 1pm and any chance at making more out of the day is rather slim There s a friendly hang scheduled in a few hours and I feel awful but friendly companionship isn t what I m looking for right now When I try to look for romantic companionship there s just nothing there though Nothing can seem to fill the void that something is missing But when I m with people I just can t wait to be left alone again I get this recurring feeling that I cannot stand people Everything annoys me But it can t be that everyone in existence is annoying the annoyance exists only within me The annoyance is a tumultuous disturbance in my heart and I don t know how to fix

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/07/27/25762/in-search-of-the-object/ (2016-04-26)
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  • New Home. – Heart-Strutter.org
    2011 Contact Form Favorite Movies Favorite Quotes Movies Night Diving Ryan s 101 goals in 1001 days Search for Subscribe to Blog via Email Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email Email Address Random Posts Cute Hairstyle Slip Eros A Short Entry Consuming Memories Bright orange burn baby July 2014 S M T W T F S Jun Aug 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal New Home I have to say that I am so sick of buying furniture and miscellaneous home goods I can t wait until this is all over my home is settled and I can start looking at and dreaming of leather sandals suede slingback heels black trousers cobalt silk tops petite gold jewelry that black leather strap watch I ve been ogling and ugh Sigh I m rarely to never home and the few times I m there I suddenly have a new need a toaster to toast my bread a rice cooker for the perfect rice a nonstick skillet for the fluffiest egg white scramble AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH It s driving me batty Btw the toaster and rice cooker have been acquired I did possess both but they were seriously old old

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/07/29/25764/new-home/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Missing Pieces – Heart-Strutter.org
    Favorite Movies Favorite Quotes Movies Night Diving Ryan s 101 goals in 1001 days Search for Subscribe to Blog via Email Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email Email Address Random Posts Minutes to Class Another Day At The Office Smash the radio Travel Hymn Fun fun with a side of depression July 2014 S M T W T F S Jun Aug 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Missing Pieces Not a wish list or a mood board but rather the still need to buy Because eating on my counter is impossible without a counter

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/07/30/25766/missing-pieces/ (2016-04-26)
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  • The Thirty First of the Month – Heart-Strutter.org
    solutions to my tangible problems I ve had intangible bouts of depression before and those are worse because they are incurable But right now in this moment I have a very real problem to point my finger at and for that I feel at least a little bit justified in my random bursts of anger frustration coldness and of course tears I ve gotten so good at controlling the tears that my eyeliner remains intact Controlling my anger though is a task so much more monumental than my entire existence I ve never been able to suppress that part of me I don t even try anymore But of course it s a hindrance and a cause for even more issues hurting someone s feelings looking like an ambivalent employee etc on top of my already pre existing ones Lose Lose Anyway I d like to take a moment to stop talking about my depression the same depression that abandoned me for just long enough to make me believe it was gone but has suddenly come knocking at my door What I would like to talk about is the potential to maximize the efficiency of my day An Ideal Morning Wake up feeling rested Drink a lukewarm glass of lemon water Meditate for 15 minutes Calmly get ready for my day Listen to a podcast while getting dressed Prepare a fresh breakfast nice and warm scrambled eggs for example Listen to the morning radio on my way to work And this is what my morning has been like for the past two weeks I get an early morning work call and when I say early I m talking 3AM here that product is getting rejected Handle the work call Fall back asleep My alarm goes off at 4 15AM and off it goes I fall back asleep I wake up at 5 05AM just barely able to open my eyes craving more sleep and already feeling that impending sense of dread that I will inevitably be LATE to work 5 50AM Check the time on my phone I m already late to work and I m just barely mad dashing to put on some shoes wonder if I have anything in my fridge I can take to work for lunch find my keys open my garage 6AM LATE En route to work with angry music blasting from my iPod Anxiety from traffic 6 20AM I m in the office trying to chug a cup of coffee to get my engine revving This has been consistent for two weeks I m going to sleep at 10PM an hour later than I know I should but that s how the cookie s been crumbling I ve attempted these ideal idyllic morning routines before and the problem lies in both how and when I fall asleep and how and when I wake up Two variables that I should be able to monitor but cannot entirely control hinder the entire execution how sleepy I

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/07/31/25770/the-thirty-first-of-the-month/ (2016-04-26)
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  • The Now. – Heart-Strutter.org
    Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal The Now If I don t write this now I won t write this at all Right now I ve just gotten home and already switched into an oversized t shirt to take a nap in It s not that I m completely weary because all I ve done today is sit at my desk and work work work But I feel sort of lethargic My energy levels are low and I can feel my eyelids weighing heavily on me I also feel this heavy weight once again stemming from conflicting things I haven t been eating as much lately so I m not overly preoccupied with requiring exercise but at the same time I won t tone feel as good if I go without Then you know starting some new Coursera course as per usual and there s that episode of Silicon Valley from last night I want to watch But those things are out of the question It s either nap or exercise Why not both At 6 I have to be in Long Beach for our book club meeting But I also really feel like washing my hair since I washed my hair YESTERDAY morning And then yannoe my hair starts to look sort of separated and it has less body and then I just don t feel as on point So I have three hours to recharge my energy levels and get ready to go out and expend that energy And I want to get there a little early though I know that s a major stretch just so I can get a little personal reading done before our meeting but I cannot conceivably squeeze energy out of a short lived nap It s work It s draining me It s depressing me But I don t complain anymore It s just it s work It s whatever I get no fulfillment out of it I always dreamt of a life in which I would live breathe for the fulfillment from a career This just isn t the right time to question my career path Money is a cruel necessity So I work Without question Without any fuss Just work Make the mountains of paperwork disappear But I think it s taking its toll on me In five minutes it will be 3pm And by then I have to prepare to close my eyes and force myself to nap Though sleep comes majorly easy to me I appreciate that at least Oh And Raquel is making a flash trip into town tomorrow from Fresno We have a lunch date for Indian food

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/06/02/25586/the-now/ (2016-04-26)
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