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  • Heimweh – Heart-Strutter.org
    in 1001 days Search for Subscribe to Blog via Email Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email Email Address Random Posts Twitter Updates for 2008 01 03 Bleed The Dream Recap Simtastic Crush Worth Noting May 2014 S M T W T F S Apr Jun 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Heimweh In this photo I feel at home In the fog I feel at home It occurs to me now that middle of last week I wrote what I then considered a journal entry on ruled line paper a sort of goodbye letter I can t really stand the thought of typing the word But I feel that way again today And nothing I do can seem to lift the fog This isn t some sort of existential crisis or conclusion about the inconsequentiality of life It s less than that Maybe more than that It s this nagging feeling that I just don t want to be here anymore And all the earth is beautiful and lush and so worth experiencing There are so many amazing things to learn to read to see breathe and live But those things exist outside of my

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/05/21/25307/heimweh/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Gardens – Heart-Strutter.org
    Movies in 2009 150 Movies in 2010 150 Movies in 2011 Contact Form Favorite Movies Favorite Quotes Movies Night Diving Ryan s 101 goals in 1001 days Search for Subscribe to Blog via Email Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email Email Address Random Posts In The Mood For Love Mixed Day When You Find Yourself Wanting Twitter Updates for 2008 01 10 Protected Isn t She Lovely This Hollywood Girl May 2014 S M T W T F S Apr Jun 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Gardens I found photos I took when I

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/05/21/25319/gardens/ (2016-04-26)
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  • “Anna” in Ieri Oggi Domani – Heart-Strutter.org
    Logger Undone Journal Anna in Ieri Oggi Domani Renzo and Anna have just switched seats Renzo is driving now though he owns a Fiat 600 and expresses hesitation driving Anna s Rolls Royce He seems unsure of the buttons and dials of the car but he is light hearted about it Renzo A little music Anna nods Anna Well Renzo Renzo Anna I like you a lot Anna But you don t think I m sincere do you Renzo I don t know I don t know Anna Do you like traveling Renzo nods Anna continues speaking rapidly I do too The minute I can I go far away from everything I m so tired of my world the people I know Anna Don t you get it I like you precisely because you re different unlike the robots I know busy making money all day You write you re intelligent I never think about money Renzo I swear I don t Renzo Because you have it Anna What am I supposed to do throw it out the window Renzo Yes throw it all away money cars jewelry those Cleopatra bracelets Anna Proudly I got these at the hardware store Renzo Did you get this hunk of steel at the hardware store as well But that s not it The fact is you have money in your veins Anna In me there s only emptiness a profound emptiness He touches her cheek softly She leans in closer and rests her head on his shoulder But only for a moment Anna You like me I can tell Renzo Anna if you hadn t called me this morning who would you have called Anna Nobody Nobody I m alone Renzo With all the people you know Anna With all the people I

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/05/22/25349/anna-in-ieri-oggi-domani/ (2016-04-26)
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  • FNW. – Heart-Strutter.org
    150 Movies in 2007 150 Movies in 2008 150 Movies in 2009 150 Movies in 2010 150 Movies in 2011 Contact Form Favorite Movies Favorite Quotes Movies Night Diving Ryan s 101 goals in 1001 days Search for Subscribe to Blog via Email Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email Email Address Random Posts fui solo una ilusión tan solo una ilusión y nada mas Twitter Updates for 2007 12 31 Spin Around Protected Stay With Me Tonight Languages May 2014 S M T W T F S Apr Jun 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal FNW In Chungking Express Wong focuses on a theme recurrent in much of his work urban alienation He paints Hong Kong as a claustrophobic cage in which people pace like trapped animals People in the film have such dissolute and pointless lives that they cannot connect emotionally with others Wong s unflinching vision lends his work a bleak nervy atmosphere of unfulfilled longing loneliness desperation and even nostalgia Flambard Weisbart Veronique Post Genre Cinemas and Post Colonial Attitude Hong Kong Meets Paris Science Fiction and the Prediction of the Future Essays on Foresight and Fallacy McFarland 2011 193 Google Book

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/05/23/25386/fnw/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Distractions – Heart-Strutter.org
    successfully managed to give myself sufficient distractions so as not to feel the dreaded boredom It s helped but it s not a correction to the underlying problem It seems every other day I feel suicidal There I said it Yesterday I was fine I was OK The day before I couldn t handle anything Today today I feel awful again but keeping my mind busy on many other things keeps the feelings at bay So I ve been consuming movies books video lectures podcasts at a rate much higher than before Every minute must be accounted for and that s keeping me alive basically Though the actual act of suicide seems like way too much work My daily checklists have been getting completed It s really a fantastic feeling Read check Lecture check Podcast check Music time check Exercise super check I ve lost weight on the scale and gained muscle or lost fat in the last week Pants that seemed hopeless last week fit again My abs are showing again dat two pack lulz My hip flexors feel more defined again too Yesterday I struggled on standard push ups and moving plank walk My arms are suddenly weak I used to pride myself on never having to stop doing push ups I could just keep on going Now I can t WAIT to stop But I m confident I just need to keep at it Put in da werq For starters because I am so petite I have to weigh so much less And weighing less will instantly make it easier to hold my body weight I ve been a recluse all week though In the end that will cause a different kind of depression even if my checklists are completed But for now I m okay I

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/05/23/25392/distractions-2/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Memorial Day Weekend. – Heart-Strutter.org
    though usually turns into recapitulation lists and such whereas the latter gifts me with analysis At present I am inside a cafe in Eagle Rock with David He s finishing an essay for his masters and I am for the most part alternating between reading and watching lectures Funny reading lectures writing all educational type activities David is perhaps the only person in this whole world that gives me a good case of mild anxiety I think he understands the power of potential and what might possibly fulfill my otherwise basic life I say aloud there is very little to fear in life Even at the worst of times I don t have it all that bad to give much weight to real worldly fears such as starvation poverty etc etc As for otherworldly fears such as ghosts unreal things I dismiss those without a second thought But I am scared from time to time I have for several years been too scared to consider seriously the idea of grad school The fear The application It s the first roadblock and also the first step in the process beyond intention If I cannot get beyond the first step I cannot continue to pass any other hurdle along the road to finishing a higher education It s funny because I have very little doubts as to whether grad school would suit me Forming arguments theses pages upon pages of analyses these are the things I enjoy doing But I have never seriously considered entering this space I feel I would thrive in because of that roadblock I don t know what it is about applications that give me such pause Maybe they are unnecessarily tedious Or they re a confrontation with my credentials and whether some external factor considers those credentials sufficient to grant me access This is an issue for me it comes from my serious disbelief in authority or this idea that someone else can dictate anything about me My point is I want x and don t think it should come down to anyone else but myself as to whether or not I should do x Basically if I feel I have the potential to accomplish x then I should be allowed to do x I fully see the problem with this thinking myself ever so deserving but then Shakespeare s Why then the world s mine oyster Which I with sword will open comes to mind What can I say I hold this idea of high self worth but low actual worth Meaning I am content with how I am but don t think anyone else would be content with me Or phrased in terms of education I think I can accomplish the work required of grad school but will the powers that be think so too I immediately think no regardless of my self created worth And so fear Roadblock But David is insistent that I should apply AFTER ALL no harm in trying Except the

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/05/26/25462/memorial-day-weekend/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Bullfighting – Heart-Strutter.org
    2007 150 Movies in 2008 150 Movies in 2009 150 Movies in 2010 150 Movies in 2011 Contact Form Favorite Movies Favorite Quotes Movies Night Diving Ryan s 101 goals in 1001 days Search for Subscribe to Blog via Email Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email Email Address Random Posts Cinnamon Quick Quick You Could Have Fooled Anyone After Twelve Days of Rain A Moment of Sheer Panic May 2014 S M T W T F S Apr Jun 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Bullfighting Men real men as in men born bred and bored out of their minds in the Midwest don t spill their atrocious yellow bellied guts out to total strangers even licensed ones Real men don t swallow cute little pills to numb themselves before the world so they can keep a dumb smile on their faces at all times Real men hunt for life every shred of life they can handle Take their harpoons out and try to stab sharp moving objects like sharks piranhas and roast suckling pigs Bullfighting by Lucy Wang In Bullfighting author Lucy Wang introduces a fictionalized version of Hemingway She imagines a world in

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/05/27/1613/bullfighting/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Riddoch phenomenon. – Heart-Strutter.org
    telling me But Bri you don t feel anything anyway Feeling anything would mean the reason for my feeling actually meant something But my heart is aching and I sobbed until finally I fell asleep last night Interacting with people on almost any level seems to hurt Interact on a shallow level and it seems to question my human depth and worth Interact on a deeper level and it seems I have perhaps too many flaws These interactions hurt me it hurts them to varying degrees More and more by the day I don t want to interact with anyone Not ever again I refuse to ever defend myself to anyone I should not ever have to defend myself and so won t Give people too much attention and they think suddenly they are loved Give people too little attention and they think suddenly they are hated I try to stay very 100 conscious at all times just how I treat people Even when I am acting cold and distant I am careful not to act too cold and distant as to alienate someone but just enough to get my point across that what you are saying to me is not exactly something I am interested in It s all very controlled interaction And controlling what I can make others feel hurts me It hurts them too obviously Because I can be so very cruel But these people are equally cruel none of us are an exception White space should not be considered merely blank space it is an important element of design which enables the objects in it to exist at all the balance between positive or non white and the use of negative spaces is key to aesthetic composition Inexpert use of white space however can make a page appear incomplete I can hear how one co worker will pause for 5 seconds before replying aloud to his name being called ignoring another co worker And that pause says so much more than any words can And I hate it when one of my co workers messages me backspacing rewriting and hesitating just what he s going to send to me I can t stand hearing the pauses and the rewrites And then I will deliberately interact with my paperwork as though I haven t seen his message just yet But his Enter key echoes with such finality that it s obvious when the message has been sent Hearing the avoidance dripping out of someone s uhmmm or even just before the uhm I hate hearing emotions Emotions are too loud They re so loud I can t shut them out no matter how hard I try Negative space may be most evident when the space around a subject and not the subject itself forms an interesting or artistically relevant shape and such space is occasionally used to artistic effect as the real subject of an image Emotions fill all the negative space of a person And all

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2014/05/27/25482/riddoch-phenomenon/ (2016-04-26)
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