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  • well-read – Heart-Strutter.org
    the book in proper written form It s too close to home or too relatable for me to discuss so openly Now I have about one week to read my Book Club book shit I guess I really procrastinated on that one I think I ll have to hit the library tomorrow to really step away and get some reading done It s really the only way I CAN read At home I have my laptop my desktop my iPad and my Sony VAIO in the kitchen There s always some pressing email something to google or some websites to peruse that detract from my reading time I watched Mandela yesterday and finished this morning About to start All is Lost I ve now acquired Blue is the Warmest Colour which I am certainly inclined to watch AGAIN The Past Spring Breakers Nebraska and Enough Said Got some good exercise in this morning as well I m on day 2 of a juice cleanse but feeling pretty energetic Yesterday I had a massive headache and felt pretty fucking hungry Today I m OK Except the temptations of pizza and cake right in my face gave me momentary sadness like I d rather eat a whole pizza and gain weight than be healthy but the moment passed Haha New hobbies soap making and cashew milk making I d like 2014 to be a more DIY sort of year I want to be able to pass the time doing fun activities that don t really require anyone else Though Sebby and I are joining MoviePass so we ll have an excuse to hit the movie theater at least weekly I will be very glad for some movie watching company since I go alone most of the time Also sort of began talking just a tiny fraction to Elizabeth again It s been three months since I ve seen her THREE Time really just slipped right past me this year in my self enforced isolation But then I wonder did I really self enforce or was I just not thought of at all Well anyway it s a thought that crossed my mind but I am not really letting it phase me I can t Very little makes me feel these days I think I m more into isolated instances of feeling pleasures of reading a scandalous book the sadness of watching a character struggle with their past Short Term 12 which I saw yesterday and etc Just small bursts of emotion not truly tied to my own sense of self Detached emotions basically Anyway I know I have a lot to sort through these days but really I just can t wait for Christmas Eve and the New Year s Eve party we re throwing But besides that I m really taking it a day at a time No drawn out thinking of the past the present or the future Just breathing in every moment without analysis That s something new for

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2013/12/22/23338/well-read/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Saying This Once. – Heart-Strutter.org
    Up Your Mind December 2013 S M T W T F S Nov Jan 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Saying This Once I feel like crying I simultaneously know why and don t know why It hurts to be alone So you do anything not to be And the things people make you do the things people want you to do you do You do them so you re not alone And the things they make you do hurt just a little bit less than the hurt of being alone Until finally you feel so used that the things they make you do begin to hurt more than the hurt of being alone And so you choose to be alone because it s maybe the lesser of the two hurts after a while But when the memory of the things they made you do begins to fade you start to hate being alone You start to hate the isolation again And so you begin looking for ways not to be alone I d do anything for you so I m not alone It almost sounds selfish doesn t it I ll fix you if you fix me But the only way to cope is to

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2013/12/23/23343/saying-this-once/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Afflicted. – Heart-Strutter.org
    2008 150 Movies in 2009 150 Movies in 2010 150 Movies in 2011 Contact Form Favorite Movies Favorite Quotes Movies Night Diving Ryan s 101 goals in 1001 days Search for Subscribe to Blog via Email Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email Email Address Random Posts Night Lights Convenience Can Comfort You Now The Most Painful Thing in the World Afflicted Amalgamy December 2013 S M T W T F S Nov Jan 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Afflicted Still afflicted by the remnants of thoughts from what purpose did i serve in your life Why do you put your self esteem in the hands of complete strangers Helena Bonham Carter It s like being in love giving somebody the power to hurt you and trusting or hoping they won t Marina Abramović Rest Energy Maybe you don t need the whole world to love you you know Maybe you just need one person This line always gets me Kermit said it himself he s not good at saying these types of things He doesn t like being vulnerable He is when he has to but most of the time he s pretty closed

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2013/12/24/23347/afflicted/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Detach-ment. – Heart-Strutter.org
    15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Detach ment A child s intelligent heart can fathom the depth of many dark places but can it fathom the delicate moment of its own detachment Detachment is probably my new favorite film or definitely up in the ranks It s become very clear to me that all manners of detachment are very near and dear to my heart I think something can be said of expression sans expression I just can t express it I m definitely crying just a little bit right now Feeling the catharsis of tears shed from pain not my own is quite possibly one of the most beautiful things in my life right now I feel extremely blessed and grateful that I am able to generate some form of much needed release though I am fully aware it is escapist of me I am able to FEEL despite detachment from my own problems There is nothing harder to me right now than dealing with my own problems Y know it s funny I spend a lot of time trying to not have to deal to not really commit I m a substitute teacher there s no real responsibility to teach Your responsibility is to maintain order make sure nobody kills anybody in your classroom and then they get

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2013/12/26/23352/detach-ment/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Liquids – Heart-Strutter.org
    Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Liquids What is a poet An unhappy man who conceals profound anguish in his heart but whose lips are so fashioned that when sighs and groans pass over them they sound like beautiful music As I drink a few small sips of coffee I have come to the sudden realization that the past two three times I have had coffee in the last month was due to a serious need to be awake I ve been doing just fine with warm water and lemon except for once when it did not suffice Otherwise I m no longer as inclined to drink coffee Something about pouring in the sugar and milk strikes me as very caloric And maybe I m being calorie phobic here because when I worked as a manager I would frequently get a coffee from Starbucks a tall or grande skinny something or other but still However I feel I have to adjust my caloric intake any where possible because I just sit at this desk for 8 hrs of my day That s very little movement whereas before I would literally be running from one end of the store to the other And always standing or walking around the store The only time I sat was for my lunch break 30 minutes The amount of sitting I do now is sort of sickening to me But coffee is starting to taste a bit poisonous to me now And my cup is sitting in front of me half full and I don t think I can

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2013/12/27/23355/liquids/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Art – Heart-Strutter.org
    I write cautiously or vaguely Content About Archives Challenges 101 Goals In 1001 Days 150 Movies in 2007 150 Movies in 2008 150 Movies in 2009 150 Movies in 2010 150 Movies in 2011 Contact Form Favorite Movies Favorite Quotes Movies Night Diving Ryan s 101 goals in 1001 days Search for Subscribe to Blog via Email Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email Email Address Random Posts Work to live or Live to work Distractions Not Blonde Anymore White Flag Toxic November 2013 S M T W T F S Oct Dec 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 Culinary Local Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Art He knew me as one knows the seasons knows the tide Knew me like the smell of smoke knew what I was and what I wanted Hannah Kent Burial Rights I perhaps should have posted this on Halloween but it slipped my mind And I was further occupied anyway There are a great many things I know I want to say that are right at the tip of my tongue but not sure now is a good time to express any of these sentiments or just how carefully I will be able to word any of it

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2013/11/02/22736/art/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Shriek and scream, much too horrified to speak. – Heart-Strutter.org
    great deal of effort to try to be even the slightest bit social Ryan keeps emailing me And I just I mean I read them And great that s a lovely picture of your dog Can t I just nod and that suffice I haven t the emotional capability right now to be excited and I would never ever feign it either And Raquel called again And I missed it again And and and and and It s giving me mild anxiety I know I m ignoring everything and everyone And I don t know what anyone is up to these days because I haven t asked But I mean I got a lot done more or less depending on how you see it this weekend without talking to anyone But then there s the whole why do I bother with anything at all if I m just going to lock myself into a cage The recurring thing I keep hearing is that I m getting prettier LOL WOW let me not border on coming across as really conceited here But I mean I get it I work very hard on my fitness my body is becoming more toned My diet is getting healthier LOADING UP ON ALL THOSE VITAMINS etc so perhaps my skin is a little extra radiant And perhaps I m growing older maturing into my looks so to speak This is coming from all directions not just family I swear Lmao And yet the prettier I get the more dull my emotions seem to become And the more I seem to want to lock myself in my room and not come out at all Not talk to anyone at all I feel like I m throwing away my energy my youth my vivacity for living by keeping to myself Like perhaps I have something worth sharing friendship a kind ear a shoulder for you to rest your head on etc etc but I just CANNOT get myself to want to do any of it I m so far from depressed I m fine I m so perfectly fine that I cannot begin to explain this recent development It s like I m afraid to live Or just don t want to live gosh in the totally non suicidal way I just want to BE Alone Yeahyeah I know I like JUST said this a few posts down but I don t know how else to explain it I m just sort of stressed out about this Why exercise if the only one seeing my toned body is uh me How far can personal fulfillment take me before I start to feel depressed about how useless my life is these days And at work AT WORK My goodness I know I m capable of so much more than they re giving me Everything they give me to do is SO EASY Very little is actually hard to me in life intellectually speaking And so it takes A

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2013/11/05/22896/shriek-and-scream-much-too-horrified-to-speak/ (2016-04-26)
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  • Camus. – Heart-Strutter.org
    Milk Oh My Veggies Oh She Glows The Chalkboard Two Peas Their Pod Fashion Style Camellia Fiber Co Capture the Castle Cognitive Buyers Fried Rice Connoisseur Note To Self The Epitome of Quiet The Line The Nife En L Air The Simply Luxurious Life To Universe with Love Friends Elizabeth Heather Jared Ketta Lorik Soo Soo Misc Reads Cereal Magazine Matador Network The Believer Logger Undone Journal Camus Happy 100th birthday to Albert Camus Find meaning Distinguish melancholy from sadness Go out for a walk It doesn t have to be a romantic walk in the park spring at its most spectacular moment flowers and smells and outstanding poetical imagery smoothly transferring you into another world It doesn t have to be a walk during which you ll have multiple life epiphanies and discover meanings no other brain ever managed to encounter Do not be afraid of spending quality time by yourself Find meaning or don t find meaning but steal some time and give it freely and exclusively to your own self Opt for privacy and solitude That doesn t make you antisocial or cause you to reject the rest of the world But you need to breathe And you need to be Albert Camus from Notebooks 1951 1959 See Albert Camus totally gets me I think I want to start reading the Diaries Of and The Notebooks and Journals of famous authors I like am intrigued by because you know writers just say the darndest things Seriously this is exactly what I needed to read Exactly It s like I find the most perfect quotes words thoughts lingering around in the world in pre existing fashion at just the most perfect moment I found this quote just this moment and I feel like I could not wait a

    Original URL path: http://heart-strutter.org/2013/11/07/22917/camus/ (2016-04-26)
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