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  • Mr. Punch's Book of Sports - Wikisource, the free online library
    Accept Monsieur the assurance of my most distinguished consideration THE SECRETARY OF THE PARIS ATHLETIC CONGRESS FORM Public School Boy to General Sir George G C B G S I V C c c c I say Grandpapa a would you mind just putting on your hat a little straighter Here comes Codgers he s awfully particular and he s the captain of our eleven you know Laura who wishes to master the mysteries of Cricket But then Emily what happens it the bowler gets out before the batter Emily gives it up EATIN BOY AT LORD S Small Boy Cricket Father Well and how did you get on Small Boy Oh I kept wicket and caught one out It came off his foot Father But that wouldn t be out Small Boy Oh yes it was The umpire gave it out You see it hit him below the elbow To Cricketers What would you give a thirsty batsman Why a full pitcher Cricketing and Fashionable Intelligence We hear that a distinguished member of the Cricketing Eleven of All England is going to be married It is said that the object of his affections is a Beautiful Catch WICKET JOKES By Dumb Crambo Junior WINNING THE TOSS FOLLOWING ON AND OPENING WITH A WIDE EXCELLENT FIELDING LONG STOP BOWLING HIS OFF STUMP CAUGHT AT THE WICKET PRECEDENCE AT BATTERSEA Garn The treasurer goes in before the bloomin seckertary THE CRY OF THE CRICKETER In a Pluvial Autumn Rain rain go away Come again before next May The driving shower and chilling raw gust Are most inopportune in August Rain has a chance to reign remember Till early summer from September Why come and spoil cricket s last pages Our wickets and our averages LORD S IN DANGER THE M C C GO OUT TO MEET THE ENEMY Sir Edward Watkin proposes to construct a railway passing through Lord s Cricket Ground Our Opening Match I say Bill you ve got that pad on the wrong leg Yus I know I thought as I were goin in t other end Cricketing Intelligence Sporting Old Parson to professional player Why is a ball like that called a yorker sir Professional player A yorker sir Oh when the ball s pitched right up to the block Sporting Parson Yes yes I didn t ask you what a yorker was with dignity I know that as well as you do But why is it called a yorker Professional Player Well I can t say sir I don t know what else you could call it KING CRICKET The canny Scot may talk a lot Of golf and its attraction And putt and tee for him may be A source of satisfaction While maidens meek with rapture speak Of croquet s fascination Tho I suspect twere more correct To call their game flirtation But cricket s the thing for Summer and Spring Three cheers for cricket of all games the king The man who boats his time devotes To rowing or to sailing In shine or rain he has to train With energy unfailing A tennis set finds favour yet With merry men and matrons In lazy souls the game of bowls Is not without its patrons A day that s fine I do opine Is much to be desired An even pitch I ask for which Is certainly required Then add to that a steady bat A bowler on the wicket A field that s smart then we can start The noble game of cricket CRICKET Drawn with a stump by Dumb Crambo Junior BOWLING STARTED WITH A MAIDEN A CUT FOR THREE A DRIVE TO THE OFF FOR A COUPLE CAUGHT AT SLIP TAKEN AT POINT WIDE BAWL AND BUY THE LADY CRICKETER S GUIDE Bowling 1 Should you desire to bowl leg breaks close the right eye 2 Off breaks are obtained by closing the left eye 3 To bowl straight close both Batting 1 Don t be afraid to leave the popping crease there is another at the other end 2 County cricketers use the curved side of the bat for driving 3 A leg glance is not football 4 When over is called don t cross the wicket Fielding 1 Stop the ball with your feet If you are unable to find it step on one side 2 To catch a ball sit down gracefully and wait 3 When throwing in from the country aim half way up the pitch you may then hit one of the wickets which one I don t know Postscript The spirit in which the game should be played is best shown by the following extract from the Leicester Daily Mercury Barrow Ladies v Thrussington Ladies Barrow went in first but were dismissed for sixteen Only three Thrussington ladies batted owing to the Barrow team refusing to field because the umpire gave Miss Reid in for an appeal for run out What is the companion game to Parlour Croquet Cricket on the Hearth Epitaph on an Old Cricketer s Tombstone Out at 70 Operatic Song for a Cricketer Batti Batti Sentiment for a Cricket Club Dinner May the British Umpire rule the wide world over Two Sides to a Question Major Podmore Congratulate you dear boy Disappointed Cricketer What do you mean Bowled first ball never got a run Major Podmore Quite so dear boy But in this hot weather 80 in the shade so much better if you can to take things coolly CRICKET HITS By Dumb Crambo off his own bat LONG LEG AND SHORT LEG SHORT MID OFF CUTTING FOR FOUR A CLEAN BOWL The Battle of the Sexes Middlesex v Sussex Cricket Match to Come Off The Tee totallers Eleven v The Licensed Victuallers Stump Orations Speeches at cricket club dinners ANIMAL SPIRITS The Great Cricket Match England v Australia Umpires the two wombats OUR VILLAGE ELEVEN TOM BOWLING Except at lunch I cannot say With truth that we are stayers Yet though on village greens we play We re far from common players The mason blocks with careful eye We dub him Old Stonewall The blacksmith hammers hard and high And the spreading chestnuts fall Sheer terror strikes our enemies When comes the postman s knock Whereas his slow deliveries Would suit the veriest crock The butcher prides himself on chops His leg cuts are a joke But when he lambs the slow long hops There s beef behind his stroke The grocer seldom cracks his egg He cannot catch he butters The gardener mows each ball to leg And trundles daisy cutters Our tailor s cut is world renowned The coachman s drives are rare He ll either cart you from the ground Or go home with a pair The village constable is stout Yet tries short runs to win They say he s run more people out Than ever he ran in The curate captain every match Bowls piffle doomed to slaughter But still is thought a splendid catch By the vicar s elderly daughter The watchmaker winds up the side But fails to time his pulls By now he must be well supplied With pairs of spectacles Our umpire s fair he says Not Out Or Out just as he thinks And gives the benefit of the doubt To all who stand him drinks No beatings beatings are the rule Can make our pride diminish Last week we downed the Blind Boys School After a glorious finish Cockney Motto for a Feeble Cricketer Take Art of Grace Good News after the Last Cricket Match Rest for the wicket CRICKET HITS By Dumb Crambo off his own bat STUMPED CAUGHT OUT RUN OUT DRAWING THE STUMPS At the Gentlemen v Players Return Match New Yorker Say can I get a square meal here Waiter with dignity This sir is the Oval 2 s 6 d Luncheon DRAMATIC DUET Sharp Person asks singing In what hand should a cricketer write Dull Person answers also singing I don t quite understand Sharp Person annoyed Shall I repeat Sharper Person briskly sings Oh no I see t He ll write in a bowl d round hand Exit Sharp Person l h Sharper Person dances off r h Dull Person is left thinking A Hundred Up Tommy reading daily paper What s a centenarian Bill Bill promptly A cricketer of course who makes a hundred runs Tommy You don t say so I thought he was called a centurion A well known cricketer was expecting an interesting family event Suddenly the nurse rushed into his smoking room Well nurse he said what is it Two fine byes announced the nurse CRICKET HITS By Dumb Crambo off his own bat PITCHING THE WICKET A MAIDEN OVER A DRIVE TO THE PAVILION HOLDING A CATCH To be seen for Nothing The play of the features Motto for British Cricketers Strike only at the ball A FEW QUESTIONS ON CRICKET Q What is fielding A The author of Tom Jones Q How do you stop a ball A By putting out the lights Q When does a party change sides A When he s in bed and got the fidgets Q What do you call a long slip A A hundred songs for a halfpenny Q How much is game A It depends whether it s in season Fancy our dear old lady s horror when she heard that last week at Lord s a cricketer had bowled a maiden over Poor thing exclaimed Mrs R I hope she was picked up again quickly and wasn t much hurt PHILOSOPHY AT THE POPPING CREASE The glorious uncertainty why to be sure That it must be the slowest should see at a glance For cricket as long as the sport shall endure Must be in its nature a mere game of chance Tis all pitch and toss one can show it is so T isn t science or strength rules its losses or winnings Half depends on the pitch of the wickets you know The rest on the toss for first innings Bowler his sixth appeal for an obvious leg before Ow s that Umpire drawing out watch Well he s been in ten minutes now Hout Our Village Cricket Club Tom Huggins of the local fire brigade umpires for the visiting team in an emergency Laden as is usual with their wealth watches etc he hears the fire bell and obeys duty s call without loss of time The Limitations of Fame And what are you Oh I m the wicket keeper Then why aren t you busy taking the gate money CON FOR A CRICKETER Miss Nelly sits cool in the cricketer s booth And watches the game about which in good sooth Her curious interest ne er ceases She now wants to know of the flannel clad youth However the wickets can well be kept smooth When she hears they are always in creases Miltonic Meditation by a looker on at lawn tennis They also serve who only stand and wait Appropriate to the Season Q What is double as good a game as Fives A evident Tennis Going to the Deuce Getting thirty to forty at lawn tennis Suggestion to Provincial Lawn Tennis Club Why not give lawn tennis balls in costume during the winter Most Appropriate Attire A grass lawn tennis costume The Game for Rackety Bishops Lawn tennis Miss Delamode of Belgravia Well dear I must be off Don t you love Lord s Miss Dowdesley of Far West Kensingtonia I m sure I should only immersed in her own dreams We don t know any OUR VILLAGE CRICKET CLUB I At our opening match Spinner the demon left hander was again in great form His masterly skill in placing the field and his sound knowledge of the game really won the match for us About three feet nine to the right please Colonel that is to say your right That s it Back a little just where the buff Orpington s feeding Thanks OUR VILLAGE CRICKET CLUB II You Mr Stewart by this thistle Just to save the one you know OUR VILLAGE CRICKET CLUB III His ruses were magnificent When the Squire came in Spinner who had previously held a private consultation with the other bowler shouted You won t want a fine leg for this man Put him deep and square And then OUR VILLAGE CRICKET CLUB IV The Squire was neatly taken first ball off a glance at fine leg by Spinner himself who had crossed over exactly as arranged from his place at slip A TRILL FOR TENNIS Now lawn tennis is beginning and we ll set the balls a spinning O er the net and on the greensward with a very careful aim You must work as I m a sinner if you wish to prove a winner For we re getting scientific at this fascinating game You must know when it is folly to attempt a clever volley Or to give the ball when serving it an aggravating twist Though a neatly made backhander may arouse a rival s dander You ll remember when you try it that it s very often missed Though your play thrown in the shade is by the prowess of the ladies You must take your beating kindly with a smile upon your face And twill often be the duty of some tennis playing beauty To console you by remarking that defeat is not disgrace For you doubtless find flirtation at this pleasant occupation Is as easy as at croquet when you re serving by her side You can hint your tender feeling all your state of mind revealing And when winning sets together you may find you ve won a bride So we ll don the flannel jacket and take out the trusty racket And though other folks slay pigeons we ll forswear that cruel sport And through summer seek a haven on the sward so smoothly shaven With the whitened lines en règle for a neat lawn tennis court The Place for Lawn Tennis Way down in Tennessee A POLONAISE Nemo me on pony lacessit Mad bards I hear have gaily trolled The boundless joys of cricket Have praised the bowler and the bowled And keeper of the wicket I cannot join their merry song Non valeo sed volo But really I can come out strong Whene er I sing of Polo Let golfophiles delight to air Their putter niblick learning And scarlet coated swipe and swear When summer sun is burning Let artful cards sit up and pass Their nights in playing bolo But let me gambol o er the grass And make my game at Polo On chequered chess boards students gaze O er futile moves oft grieving With knights content to pass their days And constant checks receiving Mid kings and queens I have no place Espiscopari nolo I d rather o er the greensward race And find no check in Polo Then let me have my supple steed Good tempered uncomplaining So sure of foot so rare in speed In perfect polo training And let me toast in rare old port In Heidsieck or Barolo In shady gaff or something short The keen delights of Polo Motto for Croquet She Stoops to Conquer In Door Amusement for Old People The game of croakey How to Learn to Love Your Enemies Play at croquet For the Drawing Room When there s a dead silence My first is a bird my second s a letter of the alphabet my whole is some game Explanation Crow K Croquet A SKETCH AT LORD S Eva for the benefit of Maud who is not so well informed and those upright sticks you see are the wickets Harrow s in at one end and Eton s in at the other you know Lucy Mildmay who is fond of technical terms By the way a are they playing Rugby or Association OUT FIRST BALL A CATCH A PLAYER who sprained his wrist at lawn tennis explained that he had been trying a regular wrenchaw and did it effectually Bowler How s that Umpire Wasn t looking But if e does it again e s out SPORTIVE SONG An Old Croquet Player Ruminates I like to see a game revive Like flower refreshed by rain And so I say May croquet thrive And may it live again It brings back thoughts of long ago And memories most sweet When Amy loved her feet to show In shoes too small but neat I think I can see Amy now Her vengeful arm upraised To croquet me to where a cow Unheeding chewed and grazed And Amy s prowess with the ball Reminds me that her style Was not so taking after all As Fanny s skill plus smile Yes Fanny had a winsome laugh That round her mouth would wreath And make me wonder if her chaff Was shaped to show her teeth They were so pretty just like pearls Set fast in carmine case Still in the match between the girls Selina won the race Selina had such lustrous eyes Of real sapphire blue They seemed one s soul to mesmerise And looked one through and through Yet Agnes I cannot forget She brought me joy with pain I would that we had never met Your stroke That voice My Jane CROQUET O feeblest game how strange if you should rise To favour vice tennis superseded And yet beneath such glowing summer skies When wildest energy is invalided Mere hitting balls through little hoops Seems work enough One merely stoops And lounges round no other toil is needed Upon a breezy lawn beneath the shade Of rustling trees that hide the sky so sunny I ll play no steady game as would be played By solemn earnest folks as though for money For love is better Simply stoop And hit the ball It s through the hoop My partner smiles she seems to think it funny My pretty partner whose bright laughing eyes Gaze at me while I aim another blow lo I ve missed because I looked at her With sighs I murmur an apologetic solo The proudest athlete here might stoop To hit a ball just through a hoop And say the game with her beats golf and polo CRICKET THE PRIDE OF THE VILLAGE Good match old fellow Oh yes awfully jolly What did you do I ad a hover of Jackson the first ball it me on the and the second ad me on the knee the third was in my eye and the fourth bowled me out Jolly game LAWN TENNIS COSTUME Designed by Mr Punch ADVICE TO YOUNG CROQUET PLAYERS 1 Always take your own mallet to a garden party This will impress everyone with the idea that you are a fine player Or an alternative plan is to play with one provided by your host and then throughout the game to attribute every bad stroke to the fact that you have not your own implement with you 2 Use as many technical terms as you can eking them out with a few borrowed from golf Thus it will always impress your partner if you say that you are stimied especially as she won t know what it means But a carefully nurtured reputation may be destroyed at once if you confuse roquet with croquet so be very careful that you get these words right 3 Aim for at least three minutes before striking the ball and appear overcome with amazement when you miss If you have done so many times in succession it may be well to remark on the unevenness of the ground If you hit a ball by mistake always pretend that you aimed at it 4 It is a great point to give your partner advice in a loud and authoritative tone it doesn t matter in the least whether it is feasible or not Something like the following said very quickly always sounds well Hit one red take two off him and make your hoop send two red towards me and get into position In a game of croquet there is always one on each side who gives advice and one who receives and disregards it All the lookers on naturally regard the former as the finer player therefore begin giving advice on your partner s first stroke If she happens to be a good player this may annoy her but that is no consequence 5 Remember that a mallet s length from the GENUINE ENTHUSIASM boundary varies considerably If you play next it means three yards if your opponent does so it means three inches So too with the other rules which no one really knows When in an awkward position the best course is to invent a new rule on the spur of the moment and to allege which will be perfectly true that it has just been introduced 6 Much may be done by giving your ball a gentle kick when the backs of the other players happen to be turned Many an apparently hopeless game has been saved by this method Leave your conscience behind when you come to a croquet party Sweet Name for Young Ladies playing Croquet Hammerdryads The Poet of Croquet Mallet NOUVELLES COUCHES SOCIALES I say uncle that was young Baldock that went by Wilmington Baldock you know Who the dickens is he What haven t you heard of him Hang it he s making himself a very first rate position in the lawn tennis world I can tell you Sporting Cabby on the rank at the top of our square Beg your pardon miss takin the liberty but ow does the game stand now miss Cause me and this ere ansom s gota dollar on it HONI SOIT QUI MAL Y PENSE Auntie Archie run up to the house and fetch my racket There s a dear Archie preparing to depart All right But I say auntie don t let anybody take my seat will you Barbarous Technicalities of Lawn Tennis Woolwich Cadet suddenly to his poor grandmother who has had army on the brain ever since he passed his exam The service is awfully severe by Jove Look at Colonel Pendragon he invariably shoots or hangs His Poor Grandmother Good Heavens Algy I hope you won t be in his regiment COMFORTING Proud Mother Did you ever see anybody so light and slender as dear Algernon Jack Uncle Jack at thirty five Oh you mustn t trouble about that Maria I was exactly his build at eighteen Donkeys have Ears Emily playing at lawn tennis with the new curate What s the game now Mr Miniver Curate Forty Love Irreverent Gardener overhearing Did y ever hear such imperence Love indeed And him not been in the parish above a week Just like them parsons LAWN TENNIS UNDER DIFFICULTIES PLAY If space is limited there is no reason why one shouldn t play with one s next door neighbours over the garden wall One needn t visit them you know Stout Gentleman whose play has been conspicuously bad I m such a wretched feeder you see Mrs Klipper a wretched feeder Always was Mrs Klipper who doesn t understand lawn tennis Indeed Well I should never have thought it She What a fine looking man Mr O Brien is He H m hah rather rough hewn I think Can t say I admire that loud laughing strong voiced robust kind of man Now that s a fine looking woman he s talking to She Well er somewhat effeminate you know Confess I don t admire effeminate women LAWN TENNIS LOBS Served by Dumb Crambo Junior GENTLEMEN S DOUBLES SMART SERVICE LADIES SINGLES BACK PLAY A SPLENDID RALLY SMOTHERING THE BAWL DEUCE TWO SETS TO ONE PLAYING UP TO THE NET LOVE GAME THE SPORT OF THE FUTURE The lawns that were erstwhile cumbered with tennis nets now bristle with croquet hoops and the sedate mallet has driven out the frisky racquet The World Welcome Reason on the scene Milder influences reviving Far too long have pastimes been Senseless useless arduous striving Brutalising men of strength Dangerous to those who lack it Lo it speaks their doom at length The decadence of the racket Purged from customs fierce and rude Soon shall sports become more gentle As the grosser kinds of food Yield the palm to bean and lentil Roller skates long since are off Tennis is no longer O K Rivals threaten even golf As the fashion sets for croquet Hence then cricket young and vain Football fraught with brutal bustle You at Reason s light shall wane Modern upstart cult of muscle So may purer tastes begin All our fiercer games refining Till when spelicans come in I may get a chance of shining LINE BALL OUT OF COURT MORE LAWN TENNIS LOBS Served by Dumb Crambo Junior A LET VAUNT AGE SERVING CAUGHT SCREW AND TWISTER THE WRENCHER RENSHAW SMASH SMART RETURNS Golden Memories I wonder why Mr Poppstein serves with three balls Old associations I suppose Smith Let me put your name down for this tournament Jones who thinks himself another Renshaw and doesn t care to play with a scratch lot A thanks no I d rather not Smith Oh they re frightful duffers all of them You ll stand a very fair chance Do Professional Jealousy Miss Matilda referring to her new lawn tennis shoes black with india rubber soles The worst of it is they draw the feet so Our artist an ingenious and captivating youth Ah they may draw the feet but they ll never do justice to yours Miss Matilda Sighs deeply TRIALS OF THE UMPIRE AT A LADIES DOUBLE Lilian and Claribel It was out wasn t it Captain Standish Adeline and Eleanore Oh it wasn t out Captain Standish was it THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID She Would you mind putting my lawn tennis shoes in your pockets Mr Green He I m afraid my pockets are hardly big enough Miss Gladys but I shall be delighted to carry them for you Excited Young Lady Father directly this set is over get introduced to the little man by the fireplace and make him come to our party on Tuesday Her Father Certainly my dear if you wish it But er he s rather a scrubby little person isn t he Excited Young Lady Father do you know who he is They tell me is the amateur champion of Peckham I don t suppose he ll play but if you can get him just to look in that will be something A Nice Quiet Game for the Home This is only a little game of Ping pong in progress and some of the balls are missing PING PONG IN THE STONE AGE The first time Captain F tried to play that pony he picked up so cheaply he found it true to the description given of it by the late owner who guaranteed it not in the least afraid of the stick A Long Shot Before the commencement of the polo match Young Lady making her first acquaintance with the game Oh I wish you would begin I m so anxious to see the sweet ponie kick the ball about Her only excuse is that she hails from a great football county OUR LOCAL POLO MATCH Excited Drummer Vat He iss your only ball Ach donner und blitzen he haf proke insides my only drum You pay ze drum you haf ze ball If you have any raw ponies always play them in big matches it gets them accustomed to the crowd and the band and things At Hurlingham Captain Smith who is showing his cousins polo for the first time Well what do you think of it Millicent Oh we think it is a ripping game It must be such awfully good practice for croquet THE POSSIBILITIES OF CROQUET The above represents the game of All against All as played by Brown Miss Jones and the Major EJACULATIONS On being asked to play Croquet A D 1894 It is impossible to visit any part of the country without realising the fact that the long discredited game of Croquet is fast coming into vogue again This is partly owing to the abolition of tight croqueting Pall Mall Gazette Eh What Why How Are we back in the Sixties again I am rubbing my eyes is it then or now I m a Rip Van Winkle it s plain Hoop Ball Stick Cage Eh fetch them all out once more Why look they re begrimed and cracked with age And their playing days are o er Well yes here goes For a primitive chaste delight Let us soberly solemnly beat our foes For Croquet s no longer tight CHARLES KEENESQUE CROQUET PERIOD 1866 An Objectionable Old Man Young Ladies Goin to make a flower bed here Smithers Why it ll quite spoil our croquet ground Gardener Well that s yer Pa s orders Miss He ll hev it laid out for orticultur not for usbandry Sweet Delusion Chorus of Young Ladies speaking technically No spooning Mr Lovel No spooning allowed here Miss Tabitha with the long curls Those naughty n n naughty girls I suppose they allude to you and me Mr Lovel But lor I never mind them I don t So Ready Snooks coming out conversationally I think that every woman who is not out and out plain consders herself a beauty Miss Rinkle Does that include me Snooks Oh of course not THE MOMENTOUS QUESTION Eligible Bachelor Shall I follow you up Annie or leave myself for Lizzie According to Country Life Croquet which was revived last summer is likely to increase in popularity this year A splendid opportunity to revive the pastime and the costumes of the early sixties at the same time THE WOOING The sporting instinct is now so keen among girls that a man who gallantly moderates his hitting in mixed hockey is merely regarded as an incapable slacker by his fair opponents When first I played hockey with Kitty I was right off my usual game For she looked so bewitchingly pretty When straight for the circle she came As a rule I m not backward or chary Of hitting and harassing too But who can be rough with a fairy Not I so I let her go through She scored and we couldn t get equal The others all thought me a fool And Kitty herself in the sequel Grew most unexpectedly cool They gave us a licking as stated I was sick at the sight of the ball She thought me a lot over rated And wondered they played me at all But she frankly approved Percy Waters Who uses his stick like a flail And always impartially slaughters Both sexes the strong and the frail A mutual friendliness followed I watched its career with dismay Next match day my feelings I swallowed And hit in my orthodox way An Alarming Threat Miss Dora debating her stroke I have a great mind to knock you into the bushes Mr Pipps Mr Pipps who is a complete novice at the game contemplates instant flight He was just on the point of proposing too Our great hockey match was in full swing when a horrid cow from the adjoining meadow strolled on the ground Play was by general consent postponed LADIES AT HOCKEY From an old Print I caught her a crunch on the knuckle A clip on the knee and the cheek She said with a rapturous chuckle I see you weren t trying last week Such conduct its cruelty loses When it brings consolation to both For after she d counted her bruises That evening we plighted our troth THE PURSUIT OF BEAUTY I saw an aged aged man One morning near the Row Who sat dejected and forlorn Till it was time to go It made me quite depressed and bad To see a man so wholly sad I went and told him so Di got me to play hockey Never again I asked him why he sat and stared At all the passers by And why on ladies young and fair He turned his watery eye He looked at me without a word And then it really was absurd The man began to cry But when his rugged sobs were stayed It made my heart rejoice He said that of the young and fair He sought to make a choice He was an artist it appeared I might have guessed it by his beard Or by his gurgling voice His aim in life was to procure A model fit to paint As Beauty on a Pedestal Or Figure of a Saint But every woman seemed to be As crooked as a willow tree His metaphors were quaint And have you not observed he asked That all the girls you meet Have either Hockey elbows or Ungainly Cycling feet Their backs are bent their faces red From Cricket stoop or Football head He spoke to me with heat But have you never found I said Some girl without a fault Are all the women in the world Misshapen lame or halt He gazed at me with eyes aglow And though the tears had ceased to flow His beard was fringed with salt There was a day I mind it well A lady passed me by In whose physique my searching glance No blemish could descry I followed her at headlong pace But when I saw her face to face She had the Billiard eye MIXED HOCKEY You came down the field like a shaft from a bow The vision remains with me yet I hastened to check you the sequel you know Alas we unluckily met You rushed at the ball whirled your stick like a flail And you hit with the vigour of two A knight in his armour had surely turned pale If he had played hockey with you They gathered me up and they took me to bed They called for a doctor and lint With ice in a bag they enveloped my head My arm they enclosed in a splint My ankles are swelled to a terrible size My shins are a wonderful blue I have lain here a cripple unable to rise Since the day I played hockey with you Yet still in the cloud hanging o er me so black A silvery lining I spy A man who s unhappily laid on his back Can yet have a solace May I An angel is woman in moments of pain Sang Scott clever poet he knew It may I perceive be distinctly a gain To have fallen at hockey with you For if you ll but nurse me Come quickly come now If you ll but administer balm And press at my bidding my feverish brow With a cool but affectionate palm If you ll sit by my side it is possible quite That I may be induced to review With a feeling more nearly akin to delight That day I played hockey with you Major Bunker who has been persuaded to join in a game of hockey for the first time absent mindedly preparing to drive Fore OUR LADIES HOCKEY CLUB Miss Hopper cannot understand how it is she is always put in goal But really the explanation is so simple There s no room for a ball to get past her Extract from Mabel s Correspondence We had a scratch game with the Black and Blue club yesterday but had an awful job to get any men Enid s brother and a friend of his turned up at the last moment but

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    See Commons When to use the PD Art tag This file is an original and may be obsolete for general use but is kept for historical or archival use As such it should not be modified or deleted except to correct upload or technical errors Any modified versions or replacements of this image should be uploaded with a different file name Information about this file used on Wikisource ProofreadPage projects Čeština Deutsch English Español فارسی Français Magyar Lëtzebuergesch Македонски മലയ ള Português Русский Slovenščina Svenska File history Click on a date time to view the file as it appeared at that time Date Time Thumbnail Dimensions User Comment current 01 18 1 August 2008 1 644 2 144 100 pages 557 KB 555 Information Description en 1 English As She Is Spoke is the common name of a 19th century book credited to José da Fonseca and Pedro Carolino which was intended as a Portuguese English conversational guide or phrase File usage More than 100 pages link to this file The following list shows the first 100 page links to this file only A full list is available User William Maury Morris II Wikisource Proofread of the Month Page English as She is Spoke djvu 1 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 10 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 100 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 11 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 12 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 13 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 14 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 15 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 16 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 17 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 18 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 19 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 2 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 20 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 21 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 22 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 23 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 24 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 25 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 26 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 27 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 28 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 29 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 3 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 30 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 31 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 32 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 33 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 34 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 35 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 36 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 37 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 38 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 39 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 4 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 40 Page English as She is Spoke djvu 41 Page English as She is Spoke

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  • English As She Is Spoke - Wikisource, the free online library
    1 The Parchment Paper Series E XCRUCIATINGLY FUNNY says The World is English as she is Spoke or a Jest in Sober thought E VERY one who loves a laugh says Fun should either buy beg borrow or we had almost said steal this book for in sober earnest we aver that it is not given to every one to jest so Chapters not individually listed Introduction Preface Of the Man etc Familiar Phrases Familiar Dialogues Familiar Letters Anecdotes Idiotisms and Proverbs This work is in the public domain in the United States because it was published before January 1 1923 It may be copyrighted outside the U S see Help Public domain Public domain Public domain false false Retrieved from https en wikisource org w index php title English As She Is Spoke oldid 4245995 Categories 1884 works PD 1923 Humor English language Navigation menu Personal tools Not logged in Talk Contributions Create account Log in Namespaces Page Discussion Variants Views Read Edit View history More Search Navigation Main Page Community portal Central discussion Recent changes Subject index Authors Random work Random author Random transcription Help Donate Display Options Tools What links here Related changes Special pages Permanent link

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  • Pedro Carolino - Wikisource, the free online library
    before January 1 1923 are in the public domain worldwide because the author died at least 100 years ago Translations or editions published later may be copyrighted Posthumous works may be copyrighted based on how long they have been published in certain countries and areas Public domain Public domain false false Authority control VIAF 269302660 LCCN n94079307 ISNI 0000 0000 6390 3726 NLA 35026032 NTA 130634263 Project Gutenberg 34594 English Wikisource 1433494 WorldCat Retrieved from https en wikisource org w index php title Author Pedro Carolino oldid 5653737 Categories Authors Ca 1788 births Early modern authors 1866 deaths Male authors Author PD old Portuguese authors Hidden categories Author pages without image Author pages with gender in Wikidata Author pages connected to Wikidata Author pages with authority control data Pages using authority control with parameters Author pages with VIAF on Wikidata Navigation menu Personal tools Not logged in Talk Contributions Create account Log in Namespaces Author Discussion Variants Views Read Edit View history More Search Navigation Main Page Community portal Central discussion Recent changes Subject index Authors Random work Random author Random transcription Help Donate Tools What links here Related changes Special pages Permanent link Page information Wikidata item Cite this

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  • File:Japanese flower arrangement.djvu - Wikisource, the free online library
    http archive org details japaneseflowerar00aver Permission Reusing this file Public domain Public domain false false This media file is in the public domain in the United States This applies to U S works where the copyright has expired often because its first publication occurred prior to January 1 1923 See this page for further explanation This image might not be in the public domain outside of the United States this especially applies in the countries and areas that do not apply the rule of the shorter term for US works such as Canada Mainland China not Hong Kong or Macao Germany Mexico and Switzerland The creator and year of publication are essential information and must be provided See Wikipedia Public domain and Wikipedia Copyrights for more details File history Click on a date time to view the file as it appeared at that time Date Time Thumbnail Dimensions User Comment current 06 37 9 January 2013 2 466 3 635 228 pages 2 36 MB Beeswaxcandle User created page with UploadWizard File usage More than 100 pages link to this file The following list shows the first 100 page links to this file only A full list is available User William Maury Morris II Wikisource Proofread of the Month Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 1 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 10 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 100 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 101 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 102 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 104 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 106 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 108 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 11 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 110 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 112 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 114 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 115 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 116 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 117 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 118 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 119 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 12 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 120 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 121 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 122 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 123 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 124 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 125 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 126 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 13 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 132 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 134 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 139 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 14 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 140 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 142 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 144 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 146 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 148 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 15 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 150 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 152 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 154 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 156 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 158 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 16 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 160 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 162 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 168 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 170 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 172 Page Japanese flower arrangement djvu 176 Page Japanese flower

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  • Japanese flower arrangement - Wikisource, the free online library
    207 XXII The Schools of Japanese Flower Arrangement 214 ILLUSTRATIONS Frontispiece Color PAGE Showing how the Arrangement of Ornaments is influenced by the Rules of Flower Arrangement 23 Showing how Flowers are placed in Holder No 1 43 Showing how Flowers are placed in Holder No 2 43 Flowers placed in Holder No 4 45 Showing Flowers placed in Holder No 5 45 Principal Lines used in Flower Arrangement 51 Principal Lines used in Flower Arrangement 52 Three Sprays of Magnolia 65 Three Sprays of Camelia with only One Blossom 67 Three Chrysanthemums 69 Any Three Sprays of Flowers growing in Clusters may be arranged as these 71 Simple Arrangement of Iris 93 Arrangement of Yellow Lilies and Reed Grasses 95 Arrangement of Three Iris 97 Water Arrangement showing Iris and Grasses 99 Different Ways of grouping Iris Leaves 101 Simple Arrangement of Leaves 103 Water Arrangement 105 Arrangement of Common Yellow Lily 107 Pine Branch 115 Plum Branch 117 Pine and Plum 119 An Arrangement suitable for February or March when Winds are High 123 A March Arrangement showing Influence of High Wind 127 Flowers in Hanging Receptacles 133 Arrangement of Morning Glories in Hanging Vase 135 This shows a Hanging Arrangement in which the Heaven is Upright 137 Hanging Moon and Hooked Vase 139 Hooked Vase 141 Out going Boat Standard Arrangement 143 Incoming or Boat of Good Fortune 145 Sitting Boat going 147 Hanging Moon 149 Morning Glories in Hanging Boat 151 Sitting Boat at Anchor 153 Boat Bow on with Iris 155 Showing how a Branch with Ashirai may be arranged without a support 161 Ashirai Arrangement of Pine Bamboo and Chrysanthemum 163 Still Another Arrangement of Ashirai 165 Ashirai Arranged in Three Pronged Kubari 169 Arrangement of Plum Blossoms 175 Three sectioned Vase with Wistaria

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  • Mary Averill - Wikisource, the free online library
    because they were published before January 1 1923 The author died in 1954 so works by this author are also in the public domain in countries and areas where the copyright term is the author s life plus 60 years or less Works by this author may also be in the public domain in countries and areas with longer native copyright terms that apply the rule of the shorter term to foreign works Public domain Public domain false false Authority control VIAF 93986357 SUDOC 074093150 NLA 35979465 Open Library OL635491A English Wikisource 1430492 WorldCat Retrieved from https en wikisource org w index php title Author Mary Averill oldid 5644751 Categories Authors Av 1866 births Early modern authors 1954 deaths Modern authors Women authors Author PD old 60 1923 United States authors Orientalists Hidden categories Author pages without image Author pages with gender in Wikidata Author pages connected to Wikidata Author pages with authority control data Pages using authority control with parameters Author pages with VIAF on Wikidata Navigation menu Personal tools Not logged in Talk Contributions Create account Log in Namespaces Author Discussion Variants Views Read Edit View history More Search Navigation Main Page Community portal Central discussion Recent changes

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  • File:Tensing Exercises.djvu - Wikisource, the free online library
    Public domain Public domain false false The author died in 1931 so this work is in the public domain in its country of origin and other countries and areas where the copyright term is the author s life plus 80 years or less This work is in the public domain in the United States because it was published or registered with the U S Copyright Office before January 1 1923 This file has been identified as being free of known restrictions under copyright law including all related and neighboring rights This file is in DjVu a computer file format designed primarily to store scanned documents You may view this DjVu file here online If the document is multi page you may use the controls on the right of the image to change pages You may also view this DjVu file in your web browser with proper browser plugin add on or use a desktop version DjVu viewer for your Operating system You can choose a suitable software from this list See Help DjVu for more information File history Click on a date time to view the file as it appeared at that time Date Time Thumbnail Dimensions User Comment current 10 07 5 January 2013 2 326 3 236 114 pages 3 6 MB File Upload Bot Magnus Manske Transferred from https ia700504 us archive org 9 items tensingexercises01warm tensingexercises01warm djvu by User using url2commons File usage The following 97 pages link to this file User William Maury Morris II Wikisource Proofread of the Month Page Tensing Exercises djvu 1 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 10 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 11 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 12 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 13 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 14 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 15 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 16 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 17 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 18 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 19 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 20 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 21 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 22 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 23 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 24 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 25 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 26 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 27 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 28 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 29 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 30 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 31 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 32 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 33 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 34 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 35 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 36 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 37 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 38 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 39 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 40 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 41 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 42 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 43 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 44 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 45 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 46 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 47 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 48 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 49 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 50 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 51 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 52 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 53 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 54 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 55 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 56 Page Tensing Exercises djvu 57

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